A Word About Vaginas

Vaginas are scary. Hell, I'm a woman and I can admit that much. Okay so they're not scary in a Pale Man kind of way (although I'm sure a lot of people would like to think an 80 year old woman's lady bits might not look that different), but they do seem to inspire a lot of anxiety from men and women alike.

Let's face it. Penises are a lot more straightforward. Just stick it in your hole of choice and the job is pretty much done. Vaginas, on the other hand, are kind of an enigma. Most of the gay men I know love to make jokes about how vaginas scare them. One even recounts with utter horror the tale of the only time he ate a girl out. But let's consider a straight man's point of view. Like snowflakes, every single vagina is unique. A guy who thinks he is the king of head because his ex-girlfriend came every single time he went down on her may find himself incredibly humbled when his perfected technique has no effect on one (or many) of his subsequent lovers. I'll use myself as an example. Out of the 27 guys and one girl I've slept with, only three have managed to get me to orgasm through the use of their tongues (or hands or penises). Of the three, only one has managed to get the job done multiple times. (Yes, I just used the present tense. My boyfriend is a keeper!) That doesn't mean the rest of the guys I've slept with didn't know what they were doing (although a few of them sure as hell could use some lessons). Many of them were arrogant enough to suggest I was the problem, and it pains me to admit that a few of them might have been right.

It's not me, it's you.

Everyone knows that when you're having sex, communication is key. I try to be vocal from time to time, but the results are so mixed that sometimes I just moan and make the guy think he's doing an okay job. (N.B. I do not fake orgasms. I only occasionally amplify my moaning. Not the same thing!) When you tell a guy what to do when he's down there, he'll either listen and keep going or take your direction as criticism. Seriously. I've had two guys lose their boners because they felt I was being too severe. In those cases, I probably was being a little harsh when asking for something different, but I've also started to think maybe they just weren't used to getting feedback. I have a feeling a lot of women just lie there without saying a word. How do you tell someone they're doing it wrong without killing the mood? Which brings me to the first scenario. Most guys will indeed comply when you tell them to move a little to the right, put more pressure, finger you as they're eating you out, etc. The problem is that frequently, what I ask them to do doesn't work and I have no idea why. My vagina (and I'm assuming I'm not alone here) is fickle. I can get myself off in minutes with the right porn and vibrator (or just my right hand), so why can't I direct someone else do replicate my own technique?

I think there are a few explanations. For one, the expectation of reaching orgasm. If you're feeling the pressure to cum, you probably won't. Many a time guys have tried to work their magic on me and the stress of climaxing got to me. I wasn't even enjoying myself anymore. Relaxing is definitely key. Second, you really should like the person you're having sex with. Look, I know there are some women who can have one night stands and still get off, but that isn't me. The guy I'm with has to turn me on in every single way possible. I have to be attracted to him, physically and intellectually. When I really like a guy, I want to jump his bones constantly. If that raw passion isn't there, how can you possibly get off? Some women get that from someone they just met, but for me it takes time. Finally, the guy has to know what he's doing. And knowing what you're doing means being okay with a girl who won't cum the second you touch her. It means trying different things. It means taking the time to find out what gets her off.

So you see guys? You aren't the only ones who think vaginas are mysterious and puzzling. Women do, too. And that puzzle can be solved if both of you work at it.

What's Your Number?

Let's get topical.

Anna Faris starred in one of the films released this weekend. Though "What's Your Number?" received mostly negative reviews and was a box-office flop, its premise is certainly worthy of discussion. When Anna Faris's character reads a study that suggests that women who have had more than 20 sexual partners only have a 4% chance of getting married and finding the one, she reconnects with as many as her lovers as she can, hoping that one of them was the one who got away. I'm sorry, but... WHAT THE FUCK??!?!?

Women who have had more than 20 sexual partners only have a 4% chance of getting married?!?!?!?!

I'm calling bullshit on this one.  Seriously. Unfortunately, it seems there is still quite a stigma attached to women who have had, say, more than one sexual partner. Don't believe me? Check the IMDb message board for the film and count the number of times you find the word "whore". I'll wait.

Lost count, haven't you?

This is what a whore looks like.

Shockingly, men in particular seem to respond extremely negatively to women who aren't virgins. If that means you, here's your reality check. Remember that scene from American Pie 2 that suggests that most women have slept with three times as many men as they claim? Yeah. That's probably pretty accurate.  Take a look at this interesting article I found while doing a little research. It suggests that it is mathematically impossible for the average sexual partners of men and women to be that different even though polls and statistics often suggest that women claim to have had far fewer partners than men. The problem? Women lie precisely because of the stigma. Look, it doesn't bother me all that much that society is okay with man-whores but not sexually liberated women. What I don't understand is why men are okay with being promiscuous themselves but not okay with their girlfriends/fiancées/wives having a high number, too.

My main concern is that a lot of women seem to be encouraging this type of thought. Why feel the need to lie? This is 2011 and it is time to take ownership of what we do with our bodies. Let's stop deluding men. Let's get them used to the fact that women like having sex and that the guy that pops their cherry isn't usually the one. Better yet, let's not tell them our number if all they're going to do is judge us. Ask them why it matters. A lot of women don't care how many vaginas their significant other's penis has explored. Or at least they care a lot less than men do.

The truth? I can think of at least of handful of women I am close to whose number is over twenty. Take this Time Out New York poll, maybe one of the most accurate I've ever seen (at least according to my perception of things). Though the numbers still seem a little low to me, especially for New York, my guess is a lot of people round down, don't count one night stands, or sometimes forget some of them. Not everybody keeps a list (I do 'cause I'm weird like that).

Let's remember that where you live, how many long term relationships you've had as well as a number of other factors will decide just how high your number will be. Not everyone's circumstances are the same so let's try not to judge.

As for my number? It's 28. And no, you don't need to multiply that by three.

Welcome to Sex and Any City

Hello fellow perverts, sluts, jerkoffs and the like!

I wish you a warm welcome to Sex and Any City, my little experiment in the world of blogging. I've many times attempted to get one of these started, never finding the right hook and if you can't find something specific to write about, then who's gonna give a shit? But today I had an idea.

I had just finished a very satisfactory session of self-pleasuring (i.e. I was rubbing one out) and had the same first post-orgasm thought I always have, "I can't believe I was jerking off to that!" It's true. After I get off, 95% of the time I feel vaguely disgusted by the fantasies that were turning me on. I've actually had this conversation many times with other women who also feel that somehow after masturbating, porn (or erotica or personal fantasies) has suddenly become gross. Since I know for a fact I'm not the only one to feel this way, I thought this may be something worth blogging about and thus Sex and Any City was born.

I want to write about sex from the female perspective. Of course, the internet is littered with such blogs, but I want to write about the stuff I haven't read before, no matter how crude it may be. And trust me. This blog is gonna be FILTHY. Expect topics to range from the typical (sex in the media, penis size, etc.) to the... not so typical (what exactly was I masturbating to today).

Because my mother is a hell of a Facebook/Twitter/What-Have-You stalker, I am using a pseudonym for now. I've chosen Eve Kendall as my nom de plume, the sexiest of Hitchcock heroines if there ever was one.

So come back soon! I will be ;)