Wednesday, October 12, 2011

A Word About Vaginas

Vaginas are scary. Hell, I'm a woman and I can admit that much. Okay so they're not scary in a Pale Man kind of way (although I'm sure a lot of people would like to think an 80 year old woman's lady bits might not look that different), but they do seem to inspire a lot of anxiety from men and women alike.

Let's face it. Penises are a lot more straightforward. Just stick it in your hole of choice and the job is pretty much done. Vaginas, on the other hand, are kind of an enigma. Most of the gay men I know love to make jokes about how vaginas scare them. One even recounts with utter horror the tale of the only time he ate a girl out. But let's consider a straight man's point of view. Like snowflakes, every single vagina is unique. A guy who thinks he is the king of head because his ex-girlfriend came every single time he went down on her may find himself incredibly humbled when his perfected technique has no effect on one (or many) of his subsequent lovers. I'll use myself as an example. Out of the 27 guys and one girl I've slept with, only three have managed to get me to orgasm through the use of their tongues (or hands or penises). Of the three, only one has managed to get the job done multiple times. (Yes, I just used the present tense. My boyfriend is a keeper!) That doesn't mean the rest of the guys I've slept with didn't know what they were doing (although a few of them sure as hell could use some lessons). Many of them were arrogant enough to suggest I was the problem, and it pains me to admit that a few of them might have been right.

It's not me, it's you.

Everyone knows that when you're having sex, communication is key. I try to be vocal from time to time, but the results are so mixed that sometimes I just moan and make the guy think he's doing an okay job. (N.B. I do not fake orgasms. I only occasionally amplify my moaning. Not the same thing!) When you tell a guy what to do when he's down there, he'll either listen and keep going or take your direction as criticism. Seriously. I've had two guys lose their boners because they felt I was being too severe. In those cases, I probably was being a little harsh when asking for something different, but I've also started to think maybe they just weren't used to getting feedback. I have a feeling a lot of women just lie there without saying a word. How do you tell someone they're doing it wrong without killing the mood? Which brings me to the first scenario. Most guys will indeed comply when you tell them to move a little to the right, put more pressure, finger you as they're eating you out, etc. The problem is that frequently, what I ask them to do doesn't work and I have no idea why. My vagina (and I'm assuming I'm not alone here) is fickle. I can get myself off in minutes with the right porn and vibrator (or just my right hand), so why can't I direct someone else do replicate my own technique?

I think there are a few explanations. For one, the expectation of reaching orgasm. If you're feeling the pressure to cum, you probably won't. Many a time guys have tried to work their magic on me and the stress of climaxing got to me. I wasn't even enjoying myself anymore. Relaxing is definitely key. Second, you really should like the person you're having sex with. Look, I know there are some women who can have one night stands and still get off, but that isn't me. The guy I'm with has to turn me on in every single way possible. I have to be attracted to him, physically and intellectually. When I really like a guy, I want to jump his bones constantly. If that raw passion isn't there, how can you possibly get off? Some women get that from someone they just met, but for me it takes time. Finally, the guy has to know what he's doing. And knowing what you're doing means being okay with a girl who won't cum the second you touch her. It means trying different things. It means taking the time to find out what gets her off.

So you see guys? You aren't the only ones who think vaginas are mysterious and puzzling. Women do, too. And that puzzle can be solved if both of you work at it.

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